Have I Got News For YUSU script

The following is the script/running order for February 2003's Have I Got News For YUSU, produced as a filler for Elections 2003. It was a group effort from the active members of the society at the time and, for a motley crew with no record in comedy whatsoever (other than a quotes board full of innuendo) isn't that bad. It's just a shame there was no room for a studio audience to bounce off, and the sabbs who took part had a habit of reading the autocue and laughing at the jokes before they had been read out, so a lot of the show appears to fall quite flat. Jokes which were changed on the night have been noted, and those which were topical have been annoted with explanations, but a surprising amount stands the test of time well showing nothing ever changes in York...

JTG (James Gallagher):

Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For YUSU, a special programme for YSTV’s election night which bears absolutely no resemblance whatsoever to the BBC’s similarly named satirical game show. Well, maybe a bit. So, without further ado:

In the news this week, Friday night at the union is as hot and happening as ever

VT of someone buying a bottle of coke from union bottle machine

Residents say the rumoured plan for a local area to adopt a congestion charge is completely unnecessary

VT of completely deserted Heslington Village (2008 - London had just adopted it's own congestion charge)

And the campaign to again reduce UGM quoracy levels is a success

VT of three people in a room

Tonight we welcome four of the outgoing students’ union sabbatical officers. Our first guest is a man who holds the post of education and welfare officer at the SU. At the start of this academic year there were allegations that there were tiny pricks in the union’s condoms, although the official response was that size doesn’t matter. Gary Loke.

Also on the first team is a man charged with raising and giving through organising various groups of people to leave the country and others to jump out of aeroplanes. Actually, there’s very little to do with raising money in those events – he just doesn’t like those people. Roly Humphreys

On the second team tonight is someone who’s job is to organise such events as the Freshers’ Bash and the Grad Ball. There have been allegations that the star guests at these events have not been high-profile enough, but he says that Bobby Davro might be at the next bash if he can get out of opening a new branch of Shoe Express. James Byron.

Completing our line-up tonight is this year’s president. Unlike his transatlantic counterpart he is not about to launch a nuclear attack, although there are rumours that with the protracted noisy construction of the Goodricke amenities building next to his office he has been tempted. Tom Connor. (2008 - The Goodricke Amenities Building was on completion given the only marginally more catchy name of The Roger Kirk Centre)

In our first round the team are shown some video clips and have to guess the story. First up are Gary and Roly:

VT of Prince Philip’s visit to campus. Gary and Roly elaborate upon story. JTG asks Gary/Roly if they are fans of PP. Extra point if they know why he was here

The answer was Prince Philip’s recent visit to our North Yorkshire campus, an area famous for its limited gene pool and renowned for its inbreeding. Just like being at home then.

Luckily during his visit HRH did not make any verbal gaffes. These in the past have included when visiting Hungary he told a Britain in the crowd “you haven’t been here long, you haven’t got a pot belly”, when accepting a gift from a Kenyan woman he said “you are a woman aren’t you?”, and he asked a Scottish driving instructor “how do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”

James and Tom, your story…

VT of Battle of the Bands. James and Tom elaborate upon story. JTG asks if they supported one of their officers (Chris Jones – Societies) in Ladybird Ladybird. If they did, they are not being impartial. If they didn’t, they aren’t taking an interest in campus events. Extra point if they know who won. JTG asks Byron if might consider organising some live music on campus

The answer was of course the recent Battle of the Bands event, where twenty-five of the campus’ unsigned bands got together…and proved why they are unsigned.

And at the end of that round Gary and Roly’s team have X and James and Tom’s team have X.

insert recognition of who is leading

We move quicker than a Jorvik Viking Museum carriage – admittedly not too difficult – into our tabloid headlines round, where the archives of our campus newspapers have been raided and our guests must deduce what story their ingenious headlines are referring to. So, Gary and Roly, your first headline.

graphic of FIRST YEARS GET OVER CLAP, Gary and Roly elaborate

This is the story of over-enthusiastic first year English students who have been applauding at the end of every lecture in the mistake belief that it is what they are supposed to do. Rumours that it has been extended to general union policy have been strongly denied.

cheesy SFX of applause (2008 - one bit of the script which didn't make it to broadcast, presumably because no-one could find an appropriate clip in time! replaced with "rumours that these students have been forced to go to UGMs have been strongly denied")

Tom and James, your headline.

graphic of CAUGHT IN THE TIGER’S DEN, Tom and James elaborate. JTG asks James what he thinks of Nestle

This is of course the debate on whether the university should deal with unethical companies. This is because Esso has been accused in the past of widening the gaps between the rich and poor, which is of course a million miles away from the university’s decision to introduce differential rates. (2008 - the uni had in the past year abolished having the same rent rates for all rooms on campus, which was then still a big issue in 2002/3, but now paying as much for Goodricke C as swanky James seems rather quaint)

Gary and Rory, your next headline:

graphic of STAFF: WE’RE REVOLTING, Gary and Rory elaborate, JTG asks about sabbatical wage packets

This is the story that manual workers on campus such as porters and cleaners are not being allowed to work overtime, but one porter remarked:

graphic of…

“But porters are happy people. We will continue to smile regardless. That is what they pay us for.” One can only presume that certain members of security are paid to grind their teeth.

Finally, James and Tom:

graphic of STOP THE COACH! YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY, James and Tom elaborate

This is the story of a travel company driving York students on the wrong side of the road into the face of oncoming traffic in Spain. A spokesperson for the company said:

graphic of…

“I am not willing to get involved in the negative aspects. It was a great success”. So perhaps the union can finally say its campaigns for a return to 24-hour portering, an end to differential rents and the construction of a central bar and venue have been successful after all. If you refuse to dwell upon the negative aspects, that it. (2008 - 24 hour portering had ceased the previous year in Vanbrugh and was still an issue, although these days you're lucky to get any porters at all)

And at the end of that round Rory and Gary have X, and James and Tom have X.

insert recognition of who is leading

Next we take a look at four pictures of something or someone and our teams have to guess what or who is the odd one out. Gary and Rory:

1. Langwith pool table 2. Some bales of hay 3. Broken glass 4. A duck

Gary and Rory elaborate

The odd one out is the duck, because that is the only one that is supposed to be in the lake. Langwith pool table ended up in the watery depths in 1994 in suspicious circumstances, in the same year bales of hay were placed in the water to try and improve its quality, and broken glass is said to be at the bottom of the lake from the original construction.

add outjoke (2008 - as with all good topical comedies some jokes were left to the last minute - not because we couldn't think of any in time, oh no. This was some weak pun about clutching at straws)

Tom and James:

1. Frank Young 2. Melissa Bean 3. Ffion Evans 4. Iain Lindley

Tom and James elaborate

JTG gives answer and outjoke(2008 - all were campus hacks of the period and the answer was some tedious fact about their political activies that has been lost to the ravages of time. The sets of odd-ones-out were swapped on recording to make the inanimate objects seem more obscure, something not lost on Tom Connor)

And at the end of that round Gary and Rory have X points and Tom and James have X points.

insert recognition of who is in the lead

The final round tonight is somewhat inevitably the missing words round, featuring contributions from our guest publication The Georgist Voice. (2008 - Matthew Platts published this, his own newspaper on campus which gained a degree of notoriety in 2002/3. On recording this was supplemented by a less than flattering gag about the cockerill that formed part of the masthead)

open to both teams

graphic of UNIVERSITY OF BLANK graphic of UNIVERSITY OF YOLK

This was when a student threw an egg at a visiting politician.

graphic of GEORGIST VOICE – FOR BLANK AND BLANK graphic of GEORGIST VOICE – FOR LAND AND LIBERTY

graphic of COSTCUTTER SUSPECTED OF BLANK graphic of COSTCUTTER SUSPECTED OF STUDENT RIP-OFF

graphic of BLANK PROBLEM SWEEPS CAMPUS graphic of BEDBUG PROBLEM SWEEPS CAMPUS

graphic of GOD HAS BLANK graphic of GOD HAS BEST TUNES AT BOB

This is the story of Christian rockers winning last year’s Battle of the Bands.

graphic of ADMIN MAKE ME LIVE ABOVE A BLANK graphic of ADMIN MAKE ME LIVE ABOVE A SUPERMARKET

This is the story of freshers being given university accommodation above a supermarket in Fulford.

graphic of FANCY A BITE OF MY BLANK, DARLING graphic of FANCY A BITE OF MY BAGUETTE, DARLING

This is the story of leery builders demolishing the water tower.

graphic of IT’S TIME TO GIVE BYRON A BLANK graphic of IT’S TIME TO GIVE BYRON A KICKING

This is the story of services officer James Byron not doing his job properly. Allegedly. Moving swiftly on…

And at the end of tonight’s battle of the sabbs, tonight’s Goodricke C Blocks are X and X with X points, but our Alcuin F Blocks are X and X with X points.

Just before we go the delights of our caption competition.

photo of a duck with it's head underwater

And

photo of something on campus (2008 - kept secret till recording so a secret photo of James Gallagher thrusting his crotch at the YUMAs could be used to surprise the host)

Thanks to our outgoing sabbatical officers for joining us tonight. Stay tuned to YSTV to find out who will be doing their jobs next year, but now we leave you tonight with news that cleaning services deny that Bruce Forsythe is modelling for their warning signs.

photo of stick man doing Brucie pose on yellow warning cone (2008 - replaced at recording of photo of the Roger Kirk contruction site with the company sign "Totty" at the front, and an introduction implying what was being built was actually something quite different. I'm undecided as to which was actually better)

University residents are united in response to rumours that Matthew Platts will one day stand for SU president.

photo of Goodricke windows full of “No”s (2008 - actually in place to protest at the Iraq war, which finally and somewhat inconsiderately took place during the Easter holidays)

(2008 - an extra picture story was added here at the last minute of a "Yorkshire Bent Union Adapter" that the techies had found in a CPC catalogue - make your own jokes)

And finally the university at last reveals its new central venue.

photo of bench on Goodricke beach

Goodnight.

mix to wide shot of studio, closing theme, credits etc