Please Sir, There's Been a Murder

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Please Sir, There's Been a Murder!
Genre: Live, Interactive, Drama, Comedy, Murder Mystery
Broadcast: 11/12/2019
Producer(s): Thomas Schubert Stephanie Shires


Credits

What follows is a transcription of an audio recording taken shortly after the stream wrapped.

Stephanie – One day there were two idiots called Tom and Steph. And one day they went to university and they actually went to a lecture. Ooh! And this lecture, it was a studio production lecture. And it was led by Mr Patrick Titley. And they were sat and they were watching the lecture and he showed a clip from the sound of music – the live one. 

Matt – Oh. Hello. Why are you recording? Podcast. I’m worried about your neighbour because he’s turned his light back on. I want to get going. There is some stuff still here.

Stephanie – That’s fine, that’s fine.

Matt – So, I’ll turn up Tomorrow and yeah we’ll make sure everything is gone Tomorrow in my car, erm, yeah, I’ll go and let Andrew know now.

Stephanie – Okay, thank you Matt. That’s going to be on the wiki page now.

Matt – Oh good. Hi wiki page.

Stephanie and Jacob laugh

Stephanie – Can we transcribe it and just like put the transcript on.

Jacob – Absolutely.

Stephanie – Oh this is such a good idea. Hi wiki page.

Jacob – Hi wiki page.

Stephanie – Alright where was I? Oh yes, erm, so after this marvellous screening, Tom and Steph went downstairs and they sat in the foyer of TFTI, formerly tuftuv.

Jacob – Tuftuv.

Stephanie – Tuftuv. Which is much better name. And, erm, they sat down and Steph, Steph looks at Tom. And he looks back. And they both know what they’re thinking with their dynamic duo-like… what’s it called when people? Telekinesis? No.

Jacob – Telepathy?

Stephanie – Telepathy, not telekinesis. Is that where you chuck things off tables with your mind?

Jacob – Yeaaaaaaaaaah.

Stephanie – Okay not that, that’d be cool.

Jacob – That would be cool.

Stephanie – With telepathy, they kinda know what’s going on, erm, and Steph’s like: ‘hey Tom that was cool wannit?’ And Toms was like: ‘yeah, yeah Steph that was cool.’ And she was like: ‘yeah I know I just said that.’ And then he was like: ‘oh! Yeah you did.’ And then Steph was like: ‘you know what? We could do that. We’re much better than ITV. Like we could pull that off.’ And Tom was like: ‘haha ha yeah.’ And then the rest was history. And then they brought it up at a production meeting where Edwin was like: ‘you’re both absolute idiots.’ But then Steph was like: ‘YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU HAVE A GOOD PRODUCER’ and they were like: ‘we’re gonna make it happen.’ And they were both very stubborn. And they kept doing it. And then second year happened. And it didn’t happen.

Jacob – Mmm.

Stephanie- And they were meant to do it at summer. And it didn’t happen. And they were meant to do it at a different time. And then it also didn’t happen. 

Jacob – But then...

Stephanie – But then they did a pitching session! Three people pitched. Tom Maynard. Jacob Boyle. And Steph on behalf of Steph, Tom, Olivia and Andrew. 

Jacob - Laughter

Stephanie – And obviously the best person got picked and that was Jacob.

Jacob – Disapproving throat noise

Stephanie – Awh.

Jacob - Disapproving throat noise

Stephanie – How are we going to transcribe that? As like a ungggggggggggggg.

Jacob – Oggggggggggggggggggggh.

Stephanie – Eeeerrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Jacob – Throat noise, disapproving throat noise.

Stephanie – Disapproving throat noise, there we go. cough cough I’m dying. Erm.

Jacob - Coughing

Stephanie - Coughing

Jacob – Oh dear.

Stephanie - More coughing Ooh, this is... We’re just recording our death. 

Jacob - Nervous laughter

Stephanie - Erm, so, and then they, they pitched it and Jacob eventually, it was meant to happen again and then it didn’t happen and then it did happen! And jacob wrote it! And it happened and then Stephanie and Tom were like we’ll produce this and er they, they kinda did. And then, yeah, on the fateful day of the eleventh of December, two thousand and nineteen… it happened.

Jacob – It happened.

Stephanie – It happened.

Jacob – It happeneeeeeeeed.

Stephanie – And then. Yeah. Maybe we’ll win an Oscar. 

Jacob – BAFTA

Stephanie – RTS

Jacob – All of them?

Stephanie – Mmm.

Jacob – Do you think this is eligible for like… an EGOT?

Stephanie – I don’t know what that is.

Jacob – It’s if you get an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Tony?

Stephanie – I mean I think we can get more than just that.

Jacob – Yeah.

Stephanie – and we’ve got NaSTA, that’s going to be best.

Jacob – Oh yeah.

Stephanie – We’re on it. NaSTA. 

Jacob – NaSTA? If you’re reading the wiki page.

Both giggle

Stephanie – You know what, imagine if we actually get famous one day, or like, well not famous but like successful. 

Jacob – Mm.

Stephanie – And then someone like googles us and they find this. And they’re just like ‘what the hell. What were they doing. Can we just clarify, we’re sat on my bedroom floor, next to a radiator, in a massive fluffy blanket, whilst everyone else is like, doing work.

Both laugh

Jacob – This is more important, this is documenting history.

Stephanie – This is, we are documenting actual history.

Jacob – People do degrees in history, and we’re just doing it on the cas’.

Stephanie – Yeah. Like we could get a degree for this as well.

Jacob – Yeah.

Stephanie – So not only the Emmys the BAFTAs the Tonys the Oscars the NaSTAs.

Jacob – But also a history degree.

Stephanie – But also a history degree. Oh man, we’re on it today, we’ve done so much stuff.

Jacob – Yeah. Post the audio file to the history department.

Stephanie – Shall we send this to the queen as well?

Jacob – Yeah, why not?

Stephanie – Send it to the queen. Who, who should we send it- you know you were doing your thing with your film.

Jacob – Oh yeah! I’ve not done today’s yet. Today’s Jeremy Corbyn’s. Tomorrow’s Boris Johnson’s. Election themed.

Stephanie – Who should we send this to?

Jacob – No. That’s a lie. Tomorrow’s Jeremy Corbyn, the day after’s Boris Johnson, I don’t know who today is, sorry I’m getting off track, erm. Who do you think would like it? Who’s a good podcaster? Hello Matt.

Matt – Hello. Are you still recording for the wiki?

Stephanie – Yes.

Jacob – We’ve sort of gone off topic now but yeah.

Matt – We’re leaving some people behind to tidy your back garden.

Stephanie – That’s alright.

Matt – That does sound like a euphemism but never mind.

Stephanie – It’s on the wiki page now.

Matt – Erm… oh fuck it I can’t remember what I was going to say. The rest of them are going to cycle to west.

Stephanie – Alright.

Matt – And you can stay obviously because you live on the corner, there’s no point in you going.

Stephanie – Okay. 

Jacob – Love you.

Stephanie - Are you sure you don’t want us to come over?

Matt – No it’s fine stay here.

Stephanie – Alright.

Matt – I’ll tell you what, if you could just direct people to your back garden.

Stephanie – Direct people to my back garden ?

Jacob – Mm mm Matthew Matthew Matthew Matthew Matthew Matthew Matthew Matthew mmmmm these SD cards contain footage from the black magic

Stephanie – Oh are you off home?

Bradley – Yep.

Stephanie – Oh bye Brad, thank you for everything. 

Bradley – Oh it’s alright.

Stephanie - Thank you so much.

Bradley – That’s alright thanks for… being the boss.

Stephanie – You’re welcome.

Bradley – See you around.

Matt – See you.

Stephanie – Bye

Jacob – Bye bye.

Matt – Good night.

Stephanie – Right so who should we send this too? The only person, you said podcast, the only person I can think of is Pewdiepie.

Jacob – I don’t want Pewdiepie to have this. I don’t I don’t want any contact with him. Hmm.

Stephanie – Fearne Cotton?

Jacob – Fearne Cotton, yes. Let’s just send it to Fearne Cotton.

Stephanie – She does podcasts.

Jacob – But just her. Then if she chooses to distribute it further. Hello Klára, welcome to the wiki

Klára – Hmm.

Stephanie – We’re recording for the wiki.

pause

Klára – Oh!?

Stephanie and Jacob laughter

Stephanie – We’re recording it and we’re going to transcribe it and that’s the wiki page for the live drama.

Klára – Erm. I was going to ask if you have a vacuum thingy cleaner what’s it called.

Stephanie – Yeah we do. Now why can no one seem to find the vacuum cleaner? It was under the stairs.

Klára – I wasn’t looking for it.

Jacob – The stairs is now empty.

Stephanie – Okay it was under the stairs originally and then it was going to go in the cupboard next to the fridge but then I don’t think all of it ended up in the cupboard next to the fridge I think only the sucky bit ended up in the cupboard next to the fridge.

Klára – Do you think the neighbour would be okay with us doing it now or would you rather…?

Stephanie – I would rather leave it, I am happy to do that tomorrow morning myself like.

Klára – Okay is there something that needs to be done in the house when it comes to-

Stephanie – Back garden.

Klára – Yeah yeah yeah but like other cleaning things.

Stephanie – Is the kitchen fairly…?

Klára – I’ll check.

Stephanie – Okay.

Klára – Erm and-

Jacob - Laughter I’ll Czech.

Klára – It took you so long.

Jacob – Sorry.

Stephanie – Czech ! Oh! I get it.

Klára – Erm, how many people do you think need to stay to do the back garden because Matt seems not really capable of answering the question.

Stephanie – I wouldn’t say many, like two or three?

Klára – ‘Cause I don’t want to go to YSTV.

Stephanie – It’s fine you can just stay here and do the wiki page with us. We’ve got so off topic this is going to like be a ten minute video, I mean audio file.

Klára – I’m sorry.

Jacob – It’s eight minutes at the minute.

Klára – Well it’s cold though on the floor.

Jacob – Mm well we’ve got a blanket.

Stephanie – You can have a blanket.

Klára – I feel bad for not doing anything.

Stephanie – We’re doing important things.

Jacob – We’re getting a history degree, come on.

Stephanie – Yeah, we’ve decided that we can get a history degree for this and we’re also going to win all the awards.

Jacob – Mmhmm. And we’re going to send it to Fearne Cotton. That’s the recap.

Matt – I’m off. Have you seen Zoë anywhere?

Stephanie and Jacob – No?

Stephanie – Is she in the back garden?

Theo – Erm, I’m off to the YSTV studio.

Stephanie – Bye.

Jacob – Bye.

Stephanie – Oh this is going to be such a weird entry.

Theo – Bye bye.

Klára – Bye.

Jacob – Bye.

Stephanie – Byee.

Theo – Bye guys.

Jacob – Bye.

Theo - Well done you two.

Jacob – Well done you.

Theo – And well done Klára. Erm, have a great Christmas.

Klára – Well done you.

Theo – And I’ll see you all in the new year.

Stephanie – Have a lovely Christmas and thank you so much. You’ve been amazing! Bye. Right. Where were we?

Jacob – We’re going to send it to Fearne Cotton.

Stephanie – Yep. Who else could-? Erm… Bruno Tonioli from Strictly.

Jacob – Mm hmm! He’d like it. 

Klára – What are we talking about?

Jacob – This audio recording

Stephanie – Who we’re going to send this audio recording to.

Klára – So who are we going to send it to?

Stephanie – Fearne Cotton. The Queen.

Stephanie and Jacob – Bruno Tonioli.

Klára – Duncan.

Stephanie and Jacob – Duncan.

Stephanie – Duncan.

Jacob – Duncan. Dunkin’! As in the American brand of donuts.

Klára – I would say both.

Stephanie – Both. What about Mariana as well. 

Klára – Oh yeah she tweeted about it.

Stephanie - If we’re doing Duncan, we’ll CC in Mariana. Yeah.

Jacob – It’s sound so that’s good.

Klára – Did it sound good?

Jacob – Eh it was…

Stephanie – Sound.

Jacob – It was sound.

Stephanie – But not sound as in… it was actual physical sound.

Klára – Mm.

Jacob – It was waves. That were listenable.

Stephanie – WoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo. That’s my impersonation of a wave.

Klára – It was beautiful.

Jacob – Hello ?

Zoë – Hi how’re you doing, you’re so cute. I’m going to the studio now so I’m probably, I’m taking, I’m probably going to be staying there. 

Stephanie – Yes you can leave…

Zoë – I’ve left lots of mugs here.

Stephanie – That’s fine that’s fine.

Zoë – I’ll come back for them.

Klára – Wait wait wait. I’m not going to see you for a very long time.

Jacob – So many emotions on this wiki page.

Zoë – I love you.

Klára – I love you.

Zoë – I’ll probably see you again. Because I’ll come to your house to get my stuff. Will I see you again? Or will you die?

Stephanie – For the record, she just booped his nose

Zoë – I love this. Will I see you again?

Stephanie – Jacob you’re amazing.

Jacob – You’re amazing.

Andrew – I’m yeeting, goodbye everyone.

Jacob – Bye Andrew, love you

Stephanie – Do you want to say anything for the wiki?

Andrew – The what?

Stephanie – We’re recording a file and we’re going to transcribe it for the wiki, do you want to say anything?

Andrew – Erm, this was the best terrible idea we had.

Stephanie – Oh I like that, I really like that.

Tom – I think it very much was. It was also the silliest, most genius idea we’ve ever had.

Andrew – Okay.

Klára – Have a merry Christmas.

Andrew – Thank you, you too.

Stephanie – Am I going to see you? I’ll see you.

Andrew – Can I give you all hugs?

Jacob – It’s sort of become sort of a collaborative mega-hug.

Stephanie – You’ve just got to lie across us all.

Andrew – Oh god this is fun.

Stephanie – Ah, love you Andrew.

Andrew – Love you too.

Stephanie – Mm you’re the best.

Andrew – Oh sorry I got my knee in you.

Klára – No it’s fine.

Andrew – Bye everyone.

Jacob – Bye.

Andrew – Have a very happy Christmas! Love you all!

Tom – Have a very merry Christmas.

Jacob – This has been wonderful, I hope everyone’s having a very lovely time, has anyone got any final things for the wiki?

Joe – I love you.

Klára – Jacob, Steph and Tom are amazing.

Jacob – Klára’s amazing.

Stephanie and Klára – Everyone’s amazing.
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